STRAT Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement,through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP.. BUMP........BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ....... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........ BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STRAT Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdarcy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Seeing that your in a good mood Strat here's more:- A commuter, on his way home from work in London traffic came to a halt and thought to himself that this seems worse than usual. He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Constable, what's the hold-up?" The police officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that PFI will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him." The commuter asks, "How much have you got so far?" The police officer replies, "About 1200 gallons, but a lot of people are still syphoning." TD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdarcy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 One more for the white ball chasers:- > > One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for > >over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. > > > > "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck > >gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a > >small boat, > >then even a raft. > > > > Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde > >wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man > >and says > >to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" > > > > "Ten years," replies the Irishman. > > > > With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her > >left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. > > > > He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! > >Is that good!" > > > > "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she > >asks him. > > > > Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." > > > > She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and > > hands it > >to him. > > > > He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely > >fantastic!" > > > > At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down > >the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long > >has it > >been since you've played around?" > > > > With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, > > sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmanahan Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Here is my favorite Irish joke........ An Irishman walks out of a bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad Warner Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Strat- Having never heard of Benelyn cough mixture, I'm assuming its nasty stuff. Though I do like the 3 drinks joke.... -Chad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ernest Burden III Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 OK, mutton-boy, try this one: Have you heard that scientists have discovered a food that makes women lose all interest in sex? It's wedding cake. (joke by Jay Leno) Are we on track for December 1, by the way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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